My definition of perfectionism: “i don’t really have an off switch. I never really know when is reasonable to stop”

There are many definitions of perfectionism and lots of views on what you have to be like to be a perfectionist. It is often associated with cleanliness, order and attaining high scores in a test, but this is not always the case. For years, I would happily claim that I wasn’t a perfectionist because I was happy to only get 9/10 in a test or because I had messy cupboards and drawers. I now realise that I have messy cupboards and drawers as a way of giving me a break from being a perfectionist and to also create a daily reminder that perfection isn’t always perfect.

It is also possible and quite common to be a perfectionist in a particular area of your life. For example, you might be a perfectionist when it comes to cooking and insist on chopping every piece of vegetable so it is the exact same size and shape. This may well have a genuine purpose as it ensures everything cooks evenly. However, the extra effort of doing this may not be quite worth it and so it would definitely be a good example of perfectionist behaviour.

Feels normal – all you’ve ever known

A true perfectionist is likely to have no idea that they are one. It is in the very nature of being a perfectionist and self-fulfilling to never recognise it in yourself, because in your mind, you can’t be as you don’t do everything perfectly all of the time!! Ever found yourself thinking that? Me too!

It also feels very normal as it’s often the only way we have ever known. It may be a learnt behaviour or something that is innate to us but most likely it is all we can remember since we moved into adulthood and started living by our own rules. 

For me personally, it only shows itself to others when I describe the ‘logic’ behind my actions as if that would make perfect sense to others (and by the way, it doesn’t!) I had a conversation the other day with a friend about my son’s cautious and slightly late approach to walking. She commented that it seemed he could do it physically and I replied “oh yes, he can definitely walk physically but he is just waiting until he can do it completely unaided before he takes his first steps…I was exactly the same so I can see that in him…” My friend raised her eyebrow and grinned.

For me, what seemed so obvious with my son’s extremely gradual approach to walking made perfect sense and more than that, I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way. Why would you walk while having to hold someone’s hand? It doesn’t count if you have had someone’s help to do it. These are the thoughts I regularly have and it is only in recent years that I have come to realise that there is another way to view things that may make life a little (a lot!) easier for me.

Can be limiting

The slightly ironic side effect of being a perfectionist for me is that it can actually stop me from doing things which I am most likely to be a high achiever in. My standards are so high that I would write off doing a certain job, hobby, activity because in my mind I wouldn’t be good enough. The truth is that I would likely be very capable and possibly even excel in certain areas if I could just see how unreasonable my standards are. Like I discussed earlier, to the outsider none of this would be apparent. I don’t seem to be someone who has high standards and that’s because I don’t recognise them as being unusual. Often I will even see my standards as being embarrassingly low and wouldn’t want to share them for fear of being ridiculed. Even writing this now I am attempting to critique my style, structure and content as I go along. It is taking all my power to just write down my thoughts and see what happens. The editing can come later but for a perfectionist we are constantly editing our thoughts, actions, even emotions so it can get in the way of just being, just talking and just feeling.

Emotional perfectionism

Yes, you can even do perfectionism around your emotions. That doesn’t mean that if you aren’t happy at any given moment then you will be disappointed in yourself. I find it comes up the most for me when I am about to do something which I am unfamiliar with and either haven’t done for a while or not at all. If I feel nervous around that activity I will then be critical of myself as I shouldn’t feel nervous for something so easy. A good example would be driving. I’m a stay at home mum so most of my journeys in the car are just me and my boys popping to the shops on a journey I am very familiar with and in a car park with lots of parent and child spaces. When I was 18 and just passed my driving test I scraped my car in a multi storey car park so I created a belief that I’m not very good at manoeuvres and should avoid these types of car parks at all cost. This is a form of perfectionism as I see one mistake out of 100s of manoeuvres as all the evidence I need and nothing I have done since will shift that. Instead of acknowledging the many times I have parked in a difficult spot I will focus on the fact that I get nervous around certain car parks. To me, it is a failure to make any error when driving and if someone beeps their horn anywhere near me then I assume I have done something wrong!!

Just not worth it

There are very few areas in life where perfectionism is helpful and doesn’t get you in a worse state because of it. High standards and living by the values you hold closest are all great but it’s that extra mile and then another one, that can get us into trouble and also stop us from appreciating just how capable and strong we really are. A perfectionist has the ability to endure like no other and won’t even batter an eyelid when doing so.

The first step is acknowledging it and noticing the thoughts you have which are a trigger for pushing you on that extra bit . I find knowing this really helps me to have more of a switch to just stop and be ok with what I’ve done. Maybe you recognise some of yourself in this article and that is the first step in ackdowledging it and allowing yourself a break once in a while!