“I’ve finally found a place where I fit in, but I can only look on as an outsider.”

It must be tough sharing a diagnosis of autism/ADHD with loved ones. Even though it has been confirmed by a medical professional, it is still a lot for them to process. What if you know you are autistic/ADHD, but it’s your word they have to trust? You know for sure that you are, but have to decide who to share it with and possibly have to explain something that you are still trying to get used to yourself. I’m fortunate to have supportive friends and family, but not everyone is. Living in that awkward period between self-diagnosis and official diagnosis is not easy.

First realisation

I had my first light bulb moment two years ago, “I’m autistic too!” I’d been researching a lot about autism as my son was showing lots of the signs. It wasn’t obvious to me at first, but I noticed in a lot of the articles I read that autism shows differently in girls. As a break from my extensive reading about my son’s autism, I searched “autism in women”. A list of bullet points came up which appeared to describe my deepest, darkest self that very few people know.

I read on, but that feeling in my stomach was telling me all I needed to know. It all became clear. So many unanswered questions about myself were answered in seconds. It literally explained all my differences, all my struggles, and even how my personality comes across when I am masking.

Not just Autistic

More recently, I have come to realise that I also have ADHD. My husband and I decided he had it a while ago as he ticks more of the obvious diagnostic boxes. As with autism, ADHD shows differently in women. Another research session and it happened again. This time, the list of traits answered questions I hadn’t even asked of myself.

I then started to consider the similar traits my husband and I have, which make day-to-day domesticity a challenge. The penny dropped. We both have ADHD. At this point, I had already got myself on the NHS waiting list for autism/ADHD assessment. There wasn’t much more to do but wait. I’m still waiting.

How it feels

I feel like being Autistic is who I am and is impossible to separate from my core personality. I feel proud of it and how I have found my way in a world which can make life impossible when you have a neurodiverse mind. I had already got a coping strategy without knowing what it was for.

I personally find ADHD more of a challenge, as it is often at odds with what I want to achieve. My Autistic mind enables me to create stories and lose myself in that process. I find ADHD puts barriers up on a daily basis, making it feel almost impossible to carry out my daily routine and keep the house the way I want it to be. I look at that sock on the floor and I want to pick it up. It’s been there for weeks, but it is like a magnetic pull dragging me away every time I lean towards it.

I have also found ADHD can be embarrassing, especially before I knew I had it. My brain doesn’t keep information that isn’t relevant to me. The basic facts that people tell me about themselves, that are very relevant to them, go in one ear and out the other. I can’t help it!

Before I knew this, I avoided using people’s names and got very good at winging it when they talked about what they do. I’d get home from a party and my mum would ask about my friends, their partners etc. Literally, nothing to share! I could tell you what they were wearing and what shade of lipstick they had on, but not their job or partner’s name!

I’d love to join the party, but I’m not on the guest list

I have found following people on social media who are Autistic/ADHD so helpful and many times I think “how do they know I do that?” I know for some people, receiving a diagnosis can be a challenging time as they work out their true identity and how they fit in the world. I am desperate to receive mine as I relate to those who are diagnosed but feel like an outsider, looking in. I have never fitted into the neurotypical world, so I am used to that feeling, but finding a world where I fit so perfectly and not being able to live there is tough.

I write children’s stories and most, if not all, of my characters are neurodiverse. Of course they are, that’s all I know! I am not yet sure if I will be able to openly describe them as such, as neither myself, husband or son have been officially diagnosed. The stories are still relatable, but they could be reaching out specifically to children who are neurodiverse and maybe don’t know it yet.

Allowing myself to pursue writing is giving me the confidence to stand up and be proud of who I am. I have always been this person, but for so many years exhausted myself by hiding it and masking my true self, so no one spotted my differences. The mask is now off, but I still keep it close, just in case. I hope when I finally get my diagnosis that I can throw that mask away for good.