“I’ve started to realise that I am an imposter and I’m ok with that”

Growing up in the Midlands in the 1980s it definitely did not feel ok to show my true self. This may have been the case for many people but it could not have been more true for me.

Socially awkward from very young

I have only recently self-diagnosed as autistic and having ADHD but from a very young age it was clear I was different. I was bullied in my second year at primary school and it was my first lesson on how it wasn’t safe to show my real personality. From as early as I remember having social interaction, I had an awkwardness inside me whenever I was with other children of my age.

I was seen as a shy child so I assumed that was how shyness felt. As a confident adult I now realise that I was never actually shy. I just saw that the other kids behaved differently to me and had an instinct to at least hide my differences, even if I genuinely wasn’t too bothered about fitting in.

Imposter Syndrome — first signs

For me, I first became aware of imposter syndrome when I started work, after leaving university. I had a degree in Economics but didn’t dare apply for graduate programmes where they would actually expect me to use that knowledge. I doubted my own ability because it presented itself differently to my neurotypical peers. I had an ability to write in-depth essays on complicated theories but couldn’t remember some of the basics and dreaded the question “what is your opinion on the state of the economy?” I didn’t know everything happening in the news and didn’t read the financial papers everyday so I didn’t think I had any right to form an opinion on anything to do with current affairs.

I also felt that answering a question like this would surely expose me as the imposter that I was. So I went for a job as a cashier in a bank. Nothing wrong with that job and I really enjoyed it but my peers from university were enrolling in graduate schemes with top accountancy firms and there was no good reason why I couldn’t do the same.

On the wrong planet

I have seen a few fellow autistic writers refer to feeling like an alien or being on the wrong planet and I completely relate to this. Anyone who is neurodiverse has a brain that works differently to someone who is neurotypical and so sees their surroundings differently. If you look at it from a neurodiverse perspective then we actually do inhabit a different world to neurotypicals.

As things stand, neurotypical minds are the dominant way of thinking and viewing the world and most social expectations are based on this perspective. However, instead of landing on a different planet where we are overtly different, we look like everyone else. It is therefore assumed that we are like everyone else and it doesn’t take long before you decide to go along with this as it is likely to bring the least hostility.

An alien hiding in plain sight

It could be the premise for a sci-fi film. An alien lands on planet earth and is able to look like other humans. They study the other humans and work out how to fit in. By doing this they are accepted and given further access to their inner workings and so able to study in even more detail and fit in even more.

This can go on and on and before the alien knows it, they don’t know how else to behave. It’s likely that if they were back with their own kind they would slip back into their old behaviour but while they remain on planet earth, looking like a human, they are compelled to continue learning and behaving in the way that is expected of them.

Sound familiar to anyone out there who is neurodiverse? Yes, that is basically our lives except for the bit where we come from an alien planet. This is the only bit for the alien that tells them they are an imposter. For us, we are born on the alien planet and it is only as we grow up and eventually start to notice those strange feelings of awkwardness and exhaustion from trying to fit in that we start to question who we are. This is where the imposter syndrome kicks in but it isn’t really imposter syndrome as we are an imposter!

I have a right to be here

I have found since self-diagnosing and sharing this with friends, family and through my writing, that I feel less and less like an imposter. The more open and honest I am and the less I mask my trueself and try to fit in, the more I feel like there is somewhere that I belong and I am supposed to be here. I was born to two human parents on planet earth and I have just as much right to be here as anyone else.