It may feel scary at first, but once you do it, you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner!

I write this article as a 39 year old, having only learnt about my own neurodivergence two years ago. As a result, I have spent my whole life trying to squeeze my personality, behaviour, and emotions into the guise of a neurotypical person.

Masking to hide your true self

Masking is a method used by neurodivergent people to hide their differences and attempt to appear neurotypical. It is mainly used in social situations and is often a necessity in the workplace.

No one specifically told me to use masking as a technique to hide my differences, but like so many neurodivergent children, I soon worked it out for myself.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t mask but I do remember having a strong preference for just being with my nuclear family. I now realise that I didn’t have to mask when it was just us.

I remember having a strong preference for being with my nuclear family, I now realise that I didn’t have to mask when it was just us

How masking feels before you are aware you are doing it

I personally only worked out the answer to this question when I stopped doing it. Before this, I had no idea I was doing it, and assumed everyone felt the same way I did.

For me, it feels like I have the real me running around inside, doing what she likes, but there is a glass wall between her and the social situation. She watches on and is confused at the reactions she gets from people. She bangs on the glass but no one sees or hears her. She then starts to feel inexplicably tired and just wants to sleep.

How masking feels when you become aware you are doing it

The only way to describe it is AWKWARD!

Your true self on the inside starts to understand that she is being misrepresented so it is actually double the awkwardness. Your outer behaviour has to be calculated, and you are aware of those thoughts, while your inner self notices it and feels strange.

If this is something you have to keep up for more than a few minutes, it starts to have a significant impact on your energy levels, emotional wellbeing, and can have physical implications too.

Everything inside is telling you to get away from the situation so you can be yourself. Meanwhile, you have an inner argument about how you can’t run away, and must consider what behaviour you need to exhibit next.

Wean yourself off gradually

The first time you drop the mask is by far the hardest. It can be hard to even determine when you are doing it.

I found it helped to check with my husband and for him to point out when he spotted it. It isn’t easy to hear this as it can feel embarrassing, but it is worth it to get to the other side.

Once you start to understand what your masking looks like and when you do it, you can then decide which situation to drop it first

Video calls

I found it helpful to drop it on a video call first. There is still a barrier there and your masking doesn’t have to be on full force with a video call. You can also prepare yourself before the call.

You can even have your own mantra. I like something that includes the words calm, confident, and in the moment.

With that said…

Masking does not make you more confident

Masking, in theory, is to help you fit in more and therefore should lead you to feel more confident. Unfortunately it really doesn’t. If anything, it damages your confidence.

Each time you do it and pass as a neurotypical person, it increases the pressure to maintain that persona, and you start to feel like a fraud.

It doesn’t matter how often you use that well rehearsed masked persona, it is always an effort, and does chip away at your confidence and mental wellbeing.

Each time you do it and pass as a neurotypical person, it increases the pressure to maintain that persona, and you start to feel like a fraud.

The problem is, if you’ve been doing it since childhood, you don’t know any different

Drop it once and you can drop it completely

Once you have experienced a social situation in which you normally mask and don’t, this can provide you with valuable information to help you do it again and again.

If you can, notice how you felt in that situation.

Look out for the following:

• Were you having many thoughts?

• How were you physically?

• Was your body relaxed?

• What was your body language like?

• What was your speech like? (Fast, slow, loud, quiet?)

All these things are the real you. This may seem strange to learn, but however you behave when you are not masking, is the real you. This is the outward manifestation of the inner you.

Now try it in person

The next task is to drop the mask in person. This is harder, as it is not as predictable, and there is movement to consider. It doesn’t matter if you put the mask back on part way through, but it helps if you can notice when that happens.

If you are at a social gathering for more than an hour or so, you can always pop to the toilet and give yourself a quiet pep talk. Check in with yourself and see how you are feeling. Ask yourself if you have been masking, and if so, with whom and how much?

Build it up until you have the full picture

The more you experiment in different occasions without masking, the more information you get. Over time, you will notice the situations in which it is quite easy to drop the mask, and the times when it is harder to resist the temptation to camouflage.

You can use the times when you find it easier as an example to help you with the more difficult times. Channel your more confident self from those successes, and this will help you during the times when not masking is tough.

We are only human

There are always going to be times where we feel the need to mask, but the aim is to make that the exception to the rule. Even neurotypicals code switch sometimes, which is a form of masking in which you adapt your behaviour, tone, and mannerisms to match the context.

The more times you experience being around others and showing your true self, the better it is for your mental wellbeing. It can be a confidence booster too. It’s a great feeling when you start to see people reacting positively to the real you.

It can also help you to work out the type of people that you should be spending less time with. After all this, if there are people with whom you are struggling to not mask, then perhaps these people aren’t adding much value to your life.

The positive aspects of dropping the mask

You will have much more energy for putting your brain to more enjoyable uses.

• It’s a great confidence booster.

• You may make new friends and can be sure they like for who you truly are.

• It can really help reduce your social anxiety.

• You can determine which social situations suit your true self best.

I hope you have found this article helpful and it has inspired you to try reducing the amount of time you use masking to fit in.