I felt sure my awkwardness would improve as I got older, but it didn’t

Parenthood

It was only once I had achieved my ultimate goal in life, becoming a mum, that I entered the rabbit hole of newly realising I am neurodivergent.

Up until that point, I hadn’t spent much time in my life philosophising on why I didn’t seem to function like others, I just worked out how to get to where I wanted to be and did just that.

I think if I had not become I a mum then I may never have realised I am neurodivergent.

It was the combination of the physical and mental test of parenthood that brought to the surface certain traits I hadn’t seen before.

Ticking boxes

The first article I read that gave me my lightbulb moment made me feel like I was ticking off boxes. I realised, “that’s why you do this and this is why you do that.”

These were questions I hadn’t even asked of myself, but there the answers were, staring me in the face. It seemed crazy I had just accepted all these unusual experiences and emotions which I was going through every day. I guess that’s the Autistic way though.

This self-discovery was even more enlightening when I discovered I also have ADHD. Once my mind was open to it, I could not believe I hadn’t seen it sooner. It seemed even more obvious than my self-diagnosis for Autism.

I think my ADHD went unnoticed for so long becaise it was better hidden and much more part of my private self. Even now I don’t know where to start when someone wonders how I decided I have ADHD, whereas I find the Autism much easier to explain.

Why do I feel awkward so often?

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel awkward.

I think it mainly stems from me thinking someone is seeing me in a way that I am not. I now know that this is made even more complex as I am not too good at reading people’s emotions and physical cues.

This means the gap between what I am reading from the person in front of me and what they are reading from me is even bigger. And the bigger the gap between my behaviour and my true self, the more awkward I feel.

The bigger the gap between my behaviour and my true self, the more awkward I feel

There are very few social situations where I don’t feel awkward. The only time I can guarantee I won’t feel awkward is when I drink. I am basically teetotal these days purely for that reason.

I like the feeling I get when I have my first glass, but I know if I have another the awkwardness will disappear! This leads to a lack of self-control when it comes to alcohol and no one gains from this.

Awkwardness and age are not related

I assumed when I was a little girl that once I was an adult I would feel more natural around others. I looked forward to gaining that adult gravitas that I saw in the adults around me.

This did not happen.

I have since learned that this gravitas I saw in others is probably just what being neurotypical looks like. The reason they feel at ease socially is because they are at ease. Sadly, becoming an adult was not the key to solving my difficulties socially.

Sadly, becoming an adult was not the key to solving my difficulties socially

Why have I always needed to twiddle?

I had a cuddly toy with whiskers when I was a girl and I used to twiddle them pretty much all the time. As I got older, and weaned myself off the cuddly toy, I moved on to playing with sticky tack. It gave me a similar sensation as the whiskers and I could spend hours lost in my own world just playing with the tack. It’s a bit sticky though so I eventually settled on twiddling with thread.

Before I knew I was neurodivergent, I felt embarrassed about this unusual habit, but could not stop. I didn’t know why but it helped me to feel calm and to focus. If I watch a program without my twiddles then I can’t concentrate on the dialogue.

It is still not something I would do in public, but I do feel more confident in allowing myself this habit, as I know it does me so much good.

Why do some people take an instant dislike to me?

Another thing that I assumed would be resolved when I became an adult was being a target for bullying. Sadly, this was not the case either.

It is my very nature which makes me a target. Try as I might to hide it with masking, my inner light shines through.

That’s the sad thing about neurodivergent people using masking as a strategy to fit in; it hides their purest, most beautiful qualities, which most neurotypical adults lose when they hit puberty.

The sad thing about masking is it hides our purest, most beautiful qualities

Neurodivergent people retain their childhood innocence which makes them seem naïve. In my experience, we go through so much more at a younger age than our neurotypical peers, so it isn’t really naïveté at all.

Why do I learn so differently to my peers?

I never really paid attention in class but always received a glowing report every parent’s evening.

This is a tricky one to explain but I will try.

I don’t seem to learn by listening directly to something, nor do I learn from seeing it. However, when I am in the room when someone explains something, a picture or diagram forms in my head.

If I am doodling ferociously throughout then I will remember it forever. It must be some combination of oral, aural, and kinaesthetic learning, none of which follows the standard form. (Neurodivergents never seem to follow the standard form of anything).

Not paying attention was actually my way of learning

It just goes to show that in the right environment we can all learn. If I had been forced to learn in a different way then my neurodivergence may have stood out more.

I have considered how my life would differ if I had been diagnosed when I was a child or a teen, and it is impossible to know. I do feel that finding out how and when I did has led me to be exactly where I want to be, so I actually wouldn’t change a thing.

It’s a good job because you can’t change the past anyway.

It is nice that I don’t have to process too much of my past while trying to work out what being neurodivergent means for my present and future.

Needing alone time

This is something that only became apparent after I left university and moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband).

I think it must have coincided with me starting full time work where I was having to mask all day. I had nothing left when I got home and needed time to myself to process my day before if I had any chance of getting a good night’s sleep.

Thankfully, I had chosen my partner well. He was exactly the same and needed his own space just as much as me. It turns out we are both Autistic and ADHD so really are the perfect match. For a long time, I felt ashamed of how little my partner and I did outside of work, but I knew it made us happy.

For a long time, I felt ashamed of how little my partner and I did outside of work, but I knew it made us happy

Our joint neurodivergency made us a powerful force, and without knowing why, we pushed past the judgement and did what suited us — I did a lot of worrying about it though.

I no longer worry about it or feel ashamed, as it suits us, and I know why we both need it.

This is another benefit of learning about being neurodivergent, it has freed me to live my life more openly and say it loud and say it proud. That is a great feeling after years of feeling ashamed.

Let my light shine!

This brings me to the biggest win from understanding more about my neurodivergent brain, I am now free to let that light shine.

I always kept the inner, most precious part of myself safe and I am so glad I did.

I believe this is something that neurotypical people cannot do. Neurodivergent people can remain untouched by certain trials in life.

This inner resilience comes in handy when you are destined to face more than the average. It can make for a very happy adult life, regardless of what’s gone before us, and even what trials we face in the future.